A
sk David Murray, BA 鈥91, and Tom Gillespie, BASc 鈥92, what they thought of one another when they met as first-year students at 黑料网鈥檚 Van Campen Hall in 1988, and you鈥檒l get very different answers.
Murray swears that鈥攊n the way water repels oil鈥攈e and Gillespie just didn鈥檛 mix. He says he found Gillespie cocky and annoying, someone who constantly got on his last nerve.
Gillespie, who had transferred to 黑料网 later in the year, says he knew immediately鈥攚ithout a hint of a doubt鈥攖hat he and Murray were best friends. His only gripe about Murray? That several months into meeting one another, Murray wouldn鈥檛 lend his car to Gillespie so that he could purchase Billy Joel concert tickets.
鈥淚 was like, 鈥榊ou don鈥檛 get it,鈥欌 Gillespie recalls telling Murray. 鈥溾榊ou鈥檙e my best friend and I鈥檓 your best friend. When I ask you for something and it鈥檚 important to me, you do it. That鈥檚 how this works.鈥欌
According to Murray, 鈥淗e was a reckless b鈥攖ard, and I didn鈥檛 trust him with my car. What can I say?鈥
Two years later, in 1990, Murray and Gillespie had moved out of the residence hall and into a house they shared together with three or four other guys, depending on the day. Murray had thawed to Gillespie, but still didn鈥檛 hold him in the high esteem that Gillespie says he always held Murray.
Then, later that year, Murray鈥檚 mother died.
It鈥檚 at this point their stories begin to meld. Sure, they still disagree on the details. But both versions boil down to the same essence: They communicated together in an authentic way.
While 鈥渆verybody else ran from that situation,鈥 Murray recalls, Gillespie leaned in, peppering him with detailed questions about his mother and his feelings. 鈥淚t was the truest, first source of our bond,鈥 he says.
Gillespie doesn鈥檛 think he asked that many questions. Instead, he remembers that the conversation flowed naturally as the pair discussed something they had in common鈥攖heir mothers鈥 shared struggles with mental health鈥攐ver several games of pool in the basement of the house they shared. 鈥淚t was a different connection on a soul level,鈥 he says. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 when we became brothers.鈥
鈥淚t was a different connection on a soul level. That鈥檚 when we became brothers.鈥
鈥Tom Gillespie
You can read Murray鈥檚 version of their friendship鈥檚 origin story in an essay on grief in his recent book, (Disruption Books, 2021). The collection of essays, published in the wake of the most recent presidential election, imparts the importance of quality communication and better conversations. Gillespie edited it.
On editing Murray鈥檚 book, Gillespie laughs, 鈥淗e normally doesn鈥檛 like me to edit his work. I have to kind of force my way in. I would say he probably takes 10% of the bigger edits I suggest.鈥
However, in the book鈥檚 acknowledgments, Murray excerpts an email he sent to Gillespie after receiving his edits: 鈥淚 was amazed at how many of these essays (like almost all of them) were influenced by our conversations over 30 years, about all these subjects: communication, friends, family, politics, work. You and I live such different lives, and come at many things from such different points of view, that if there鈥檚 a truth that holds in your life and my life both . . . then it鈥檚 a truth we can both have some confidence in.鈥
It鈥檚 true their lives took different paths鈥攁lthough, as Gillespie says, 鈥淔or two goofballs, we did okay for ourselves.鈥
Murray owns , a company that promotes responsible rhetoric and helps leaders communicate effectively. It hosts a bevy of other businesses under its communication umbrella鈥攊ncluding the magazine , which Murray edits and publishes, and the . He also heads the global . An Effort to Understand was Murray鈥檚 second book. His first, , is a memoir about his parents, who both worked in advertising. He lives in Chicago with his wife (Cristie Bosch, whom he met at 黑料网) and daughter. He鈥檚 agnostic and liberal.
Gillespie owns ., which focuses on ecological conservation, and a collection of restored 鈥攎ore than 15 to date. His work has garnered awards for economic development and . He lives in Cleveland and has a son and daughter. He鈥檚 Catholic and conservative.
鈥淚f a line or an essay can pass both of our bullsh鈥攖 tests, it gives me a lot of confidence in it, because he and I come from different places,鈥 Murray says. 鈥淏ut we have a sensibility in common. [His editing] was a valuable exercise, and he made the book a lot better.鈥
The essays in Murray鈥檚 book are pulled from more than 3,800 posts on his daily blog. As Murray tells it, he sat down 鈥渇or a number of nights in a row with a gin and tonic鈥 and systematically read through each post until he found words that resonated five or 10 years after he鈥檇 written them.
He was re-reading those essays as the 2020 election and the COVID-19 pandemic came to a head鈥攁 time, he says, when the conversations across the nation felt more divided than ever.
鈥淭he book鈥檚 title is taken from a phrase Robert F. Kennedy repeated several times in a trembling voice in at another harrowing moment of division,鈥 Murray . 鈥淗ours after the death of Martin Luther King Jr., Kennedy spoke of 鈥榩olarization.鈥 He called on Americans to make 鈥榓n effort, as Martin Luther King did, to understand and to comprehend鈥 one another鈥斺榓n effort to understand with compassion and love.鈥欌
While the book is topical on the state of American politics, the promise of political togetherness is 鈥渘ot what it delivers,鈥 Murray says. 鈥淚ts best stuff is interpersonal stuff.鈥
Murray notes that he and Gillespie don鈥檛 see eye-to-eye on politics but 鈥渨e see each other four times a year. So, it鈥檚 like, let鈥檚 not get into an argument.鈥 Instead, they have learned to focus on the things they do have in common鈥攊ncluding a and a love of adventure travel (perhaps until the arduous they embarked on in 2019).
In part, the book attempts to impart wisdom on a kinder type of communication, which is something Murray admits he didn鈥檛 try to do three decades ago as a recent 黑料网 graduate working at a provocative trade newsletter called The Ragan Report.
At the time, he subscribed to a philosophy sometimes attributed to an Irish proverb: 鈥淚f you want to draw a crowd, start a fight.鈥 鈥淎nd I wanted to draw a crowd,鈥 Murray says. 鈥淚 wanted people to read my stuff in professional circles.鈥
He followed that same approach when he launched his own personal newsletter, The Murray Meaning, which he snail-mailed to 50 subscribers once a month for $10 a year, for three years, until 1996, and later, his blog. 鈥淚 felt that if you want to get people鈥檚 attention, slap them in the face and provoke them with an unpopular opinion,鈥 he says.
鈥淏ut we鈥檙e now in a moment where everybody鈥檚 totally stirred up,鈥 he continues. 鈥淓verybody鈥檚 totally upset, screaming at each other at the drop of a hat. They don鈥檛 need me to make it worse. And so, my writing鈥攁nd who I鈥檓 trying to be as a person鈥攈as naturally evolved from one to the other, from trying to start fights to trying to find common ground.鈥
鈥淢y writing鈥攁nd who I鈥檓 trying to be as a person鈥攈as naturally evolved from trying to start fights to trying to find common ground.鈥
鈥David Murray
Murray says he practices 鈥渋maginative listening,鈥 in which he challenges himself to go beyond simply absorbing others鈥 words and tries to feel what they are feeling. And he embraces scary conversations.
鈥淎ll conversations are scary: asking your spouse whether she鈥檚 happy, asking your boss whether you鈥檙e doing a good job, asking your sister whether she thinks you drink too much,鈥 he says. 鈥淭his is why we frequently don鈥檛 have these conversations. Instead, we talk, we persuade, we bluster, we block, we tell yarns. But that鈥檚 not communicating. Real communication is scary because you don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 going to happen.鈥
鈥淐ommunication professionals are the first to mix up what communication is,鈥 Murray notes. 鈥淭hey think it鈥檚 communication when you send somebody an email because you communicated with them. Bullsh鈥攖. That鈥檚 propaganda.鈥
However, Murray says he didn鈥檛 write the book just for communication professionals. It鈥檚 for everyone.
鈥淚鈥檓 not going to be the guy who tells you that if we could only communicate better, the world would be better,鈥 he says. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 actually believe that. I believe it鈥檚 more complicated than that.鈥
But, he adds: 鈥淟istening and truly exchanging ideas and responding to one another鈥檚 words and thoughts and actions and expressions and eyebrows鈥攁ll of that鈥攚hen that happens, that鈥檚 the most profound thing in life, as far as I know.鈥
Better Communication Starts Here
For the full effect of Murray鈥檚 better-communication tips, you鈥檒l have to read his book. Below, he shares excerpts from some of his favorite sections on imaginative listening, embracing scary communication and more.
Imaginative Listening
Communication requires listening as much as it requires speaking. And deep listening. And constant listening. And careful listening. And imaginative listening. And repeated listening. And in our own time, if we are going to have a society that is worth living in, we must learn to listen, to hear, to sense with the tiny cilia of our ears and the tenderest membranes of our hearts鈥 not just the words of our friends and family, coworkers and leaders, but their intent鈥攖heir deepest intent, and emotional source. With the assumption, so hard to sustain in the daily madness of American life, that the other person came by her views as honestly (or maybe as dishonestly) as you came to yours. And with the belief that with an effort, you can understand.
Communication Is Scary
As much as I love communication, I dread it, too. I dread it because at least half of it is out of my control, which means all of it is out of my control.
I dread it because it happens so fast, and because it can get out of hand and it can go all the way bad.
I dread it because it involves bodily fluids and electrical impulses and rhythm and God knows what else.
I dread it because it is unpredictable鈥攍ike a big argument with your wife, or sex with not your wife, or opening the envelope, or hearing the test results, or feet on the stairs, or death itself.
I dread it because it is communication.
And I love it because it is communication.
But if it鈥檚 not a little scary, it鈥檚 not communication.
Not Civility Itself鈥擝ut Civil Communication
Civility, all by itself, never achieved one good thing.
Civility is a cold civil war.
Civility is a hiss.
Civility is a cowardly mutter, 鈥淚 bet you鈥檙e a racist.鈥
Civility is the new 鈥渢olerance policy.鈥
Civil communication, on the other hand, is: I might be wrong. I might be blind in one eye or deaf in one ear. There鈥檚 something I might be missing. Even though you voted for an idiot, I just saw something in you that I deeply admire. We are all brothers and sisters鈥攅ven the guy I saw on the street the other day wearing a cowboy hat and those weird running shoes with the toes.
If I鈥檝e Told You a Thousand Times, I鈥檝e Told You Once
Leaders grow tired of hearing themselves talk鈥攁nd of hearing themselves say the same things over and over again. And they rack their brains for new themes and messages on the grounds that, 鈥淚 said that last month.鈥
When you remember the lessons your parents taught you, you say, 鈥淢y mother always said. My father always said.鈥
Always.
Not once.
Not twice.
Not often.
Always said.
It鈥檚 not just what you say. It鈥檚 what you always say.
Real. Leadership.
As toxic and confused as our national politics seem to almost all Americans at this point, if you鈥檙e leading an institution in America鈥攐r in any position of influence there鈥攜ou should think of yourself as leading America itself. To the people who work there, the customers who shop there, the recipients of your service or charity, the people you partner with鈥攖he ethics, the manners, and the quality of your institution鈥檚 work are the most concrete manifestation of what this nation is.
American institutions are America itself. And they can be an example of what many people of all political stripes have come to loathe about the country鈥攅litism and inequality, bad taste and intolerance, materialism and disregard for the individual.
Or they can be an island of American decency, pride and good sense鈥攑aying people fairly and treating them like adults, building a sustainable business model, and in deed and word, demonstrating how they work for the common good.
Communicating on Eggshells
It鈥檚 said that in an unhappy marriage, loud arguments frequently erupt, or cold silences commence because in an unhappy marriage, everything is about everything. 鈥淧ass the salt鈥 means, 鈥淵ou鈥檙e a terrible cook.鈥 鈥淚鈥檇 rather not go until Christmas Eve鈥 means, 鈥淵ou hate my family.鈥 鈥淟et鈥檚 wait 鈥檛il next month to buy the duvet cover鈥 means, 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 trust me with money!鈥
All of society is starting to feel like that. Now we are reading serious articles advising us on safe topics of conversation at family dinners, and we focus our precious human imaginations on the art of being amusing, yet sufficiently banal so that no one could object.
First, Do No Harm
When you accidentally insult someone, you are embarrassed. You made a joke about how stupid church is and grandma was standing right behind you. Luckily, it was only grandma who you upset with your careless remark. She knows you and loves you and she knows you love her. You told her you were sorry and she could see by your red face that you really were, and she forgave you.
And at no point did it occur to you to call her a 鈥渟nowflake,鈥 or to compose a screed about how easily offended some church people have become these days.
Now, thanks to social media, even the less influential among us can insult hundreds of people all at once鈥攐n purpose, or by accident, and without ever knowing we did.
We鈥檙e doing it all the time鈥攁nd we should be more careful.